Random, journal-ish things.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Okay, so here's the deal.
You know the last entry I wrote was explaining how I was at a loss for words.
Well, I guess now's the time it all comes pouring out.
I was laying it bed, and i was swormed with all these topics.
I was having realizations.
And having just finished writing my previous post, I was dying to share all my thoughts.
I kept telling myself it could wait til tomorrow.
Telling myself I had to sleep.
But I just couldn't.
I went to go turn on the family computer located right down the hall from everyone's room.
And everyone is in their rooms.
I'll surely wake them with my loud, obnoxious typing.
I'll just try to type as lightly as possible.

So here's the thing, I've been sick for a day and a half from school.
Over msn, I asked my friend what I missed today.
She told me that in careers they did one of those "voted most likely to.." things.
The class voted me "most likely to become an author".
This didn't surprise me.
I'd love to be an author one day.
Poetry is my passion.
I'm at the top of my english class.
My teacher loves me.
She shows my last years work as examples to the new class.
So I guess being an author would be ideal.
And I'd love to write a novel.
But I wouldn't start at this age.
I wish I could.
Except for I'm embarrassed.
And it's kind of hard for a fifteen-year-old to write a novel and be taken seriously.
If it's about the kind of stuff I want to write about.
Sex, depression, insanity.
Who would want to read that?
No one.
If I heard that a fifteen-year old kid wrote about that stuff, I sure as hell wouldn't read it.
Take Ellen Hopkins books for example.
Crank, Burned, Impulse, Glass, Identical, Tricks.
If you havn't read them, they're all about hardships that young people go through.
Crank and Glass are about drugs.
Identical is about mental disorder.
Tricks is about prostitution.
I'd love to write books like that.
These books inspire me.
But if I heard that they were written by a teenager I probably wouldn't have read them in the first place.
Maybe isn't my point.
I just mean that if I wrote stuff like that I'd be embarrassed.
But earlier today, I got my Tarot Cards read.
And I got "The Devil" card in the slot that represents the near future.
And it said that I will soon have to face my inner self and accept my dark side.
Let myself be natural.
Let my creative self out.
Accpet everything I don't like about myself.
So maybe it's a sign that I should infact write a novel, regardless.
Maybe I just won't show it to anyone.

Speaking of dark side, I had another realization.
I've always thought of myself as a dark person.
I love vampires.
Blood, monsters, ghosts, murders.
And fear.
Yet I'm afraid of all these things.
I can't even watch Saw movies.
I'm afraid of EVERYTHING.
To the point where people make fun of me for it.
The strange thing is, fear is one of my favourite things.
But I don't want to face it.
I avoid encountering fear at all costs.
But I like to admire it from afar.
But I already knew all this.
My realization was that, considering myself a dark person, I havn't had many dark thoughts lately.
For a second, I had a vision of torture.
But I stopped myself.
Because it scared me.
I mean I write about that kind of stuff all the time in my poetry.
I use morbid things to express myself.
But I guess I havn't really thought much into it.
I don't receive many disturbing images.
I used to.
But it seems I don't anymore.
I think back to my Tarot Card reading.
Does that mean I'll start seeing them again?
Who knows.

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