Random, journal-ish things.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Is That Mapleleaf Bacon?

So, I don't know what I'm writing about today.
I just feel like writing.
k? =)
Fair enough.

Lines are blurry.
How do you know when you've crossed the line?
When does it stop being "voicing your wishes" and when does it start being "bossing people around"?
When does it stop being "respecting someone" and when does it start being "being someone's slave"?
So should he respect my wishes?
Or stand up for himself?
Maybe it depends on the situation.
There's so many othet blurry lines.
Too many to talk about.

I cut my hair really short.
I might look like a dyke.
I did it to try and stop pulling out my hair.
I didn't ask for trichotillomania.
It's something I have to live with.
Probably for the rest of my life.
I've had it since I was about eight.
If you don't know what it is, let me explain.
Basically you pull out your own hair uncontrollably.
Not just hair on your head.
I've had bold spots on my head.
I've pulled out all my eyelashes twice.
Anyways, it's pretty horriible.
And basically incurable.

Life's not so bad, I guess.
I'm still pretty neutral.
I just feel ugly lately.
But I'll survive.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I woke up this morning, and it was beautiful outside.
I just had to take pictures before I went to school.
It was foggy, crispy, frosty, and cold.
As if a pre-winter fairy casted a spell.

As for everything else.
I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. In between. Nothingness. My happiness has died down. But not extinguished.
I'm trying my best to stay optimistic about things.
And trying to fix my problems.
It still seems easier not to care though.
That way you don't get hurt.
I still become a slave to it sometimes.
But less and less.

Monday, November 9, 2009

I Wasn't Being Sarcastic

Oh, eventfulness, eventfulness.
I guess it took something that should bring me down to actually set me free.
I should be hurt, broken, depressed.
I should feel betrayed, used.
But I'm happy.
I feel fresh.
Out of a rut.

Thanks for making me hate you.
Honestly, thank you.
That's just what it took for me to see clearly.
Now I know who you are.
Now I know I don't want anything to do with you.

And now I have more room for him.
I love you, Tyler.
And now I know that I can be happy with him.
We will be happy.
I don't need you like I thought I did.

I feel great.
Even though I have a low fever.
Emotionally, I feel good.
Not so much physically.

I need to stop missing school.
Last year, I missed a third of my classes.
I still managed to make honor roll.
But that's irrelevant.
I'm slipping away.
I'm weak, I'm dizzy.
I can't handle it.
I missed all last week.
I missed the whole week two weeks before.
I'm getting nowhere.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

You Want Me Out Of Your Life

I should clean my room.
I should do my two projects that are due for tomorrow.
I feel sick.
I'm waiting for something to happen.
Something good.
Something different.
Inspiring, exciting.

Sometimes I wish I could be a better person.
And I know I can.
If I really try.
But I don't like trying.
I'ts easier to give up.

A few days ago, I consioucly decided to go with the flow.
What does that even mean?
I do what other people tell me to do?
I do whatever comes to mind first?
Do nothing?
I'm not sure.
We'll see what happens.
Or maybe that's what "go with the flow" means.
Does the fact that I decided that make me lazy?

I don't want to go to school.
I don't want to do anything really.
Except for maybe see my friends.
And Tyler.
And eat maybe.
I need inspiration.
I need some sort of motivation.
Some sort of revelation.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Green Hair Today, No Hair In The Picture

So I got my school pictures back today.
Guess what?
I have no hair!
See, my hair was green in the pictures.
And there was a green screen in the background.
So that they can add a background image such as books or a strange blue glow.
They tell us not to wear green.
But this obviously didn't occur to me as I was dying my hair.
So when people look back at the yearbook they will no longer see me as "the girl with cool hair".
This is what people usually recognize me as.
Since it changes so much.
But they will look at my picture and say "There's the girl with no hair".

Hey Guys, Life (Love) Sucks - What's New?

Some things are falling apart.
Other things are coming toegther.
It's a mess, really.

Old things become new again.
And forever becomes old.
And I don't know what to do anymore.
And I don't want to lose him.
But there might be no other way.

To be happy.

Monday, November 2, 2009

My Obsessions

•List 5 current obsessions
•Tell us who tagged you
•Tag 5 other people
•Have fun!

Obsession #1 - Hair Extentions!
I can't wait to get them, I hope I do.
My mom says she'll order then for me if I stop picking at my split ends for 3 weeks.
I don't know if I can do it.

This is a picture I photoshopped (not very well obviously) to see what I would look like with long hair.

Obsession #2 - Autumn!
i'm so happy it's finally here!
I've been waiting all year.
Every time I look outside and see pretty trees or fallen leaves, I instantly smile inside.
I don't want it to end.

Obsession #3 - Hating how I am
I seem to keep writing about it in my poetry.
I want to change.
"So I’m everything I hate
And it’s not hard to see
I’m everything I’d kill you for
If you were ever to be"

This is a few lines in a poem I wrote about an hour ago.

Obsession #4 - Watching shows online
Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model.
It seems so weird for me to be watching these shows.
I'm not exactly girly.
But I somehow enjoy them.

Obsession #5 - My new vampire fangs!
I love them.
I get them about two weeks ago from vampfangs.com.
They are AMAZING.

Katie-Jane tagged me.

These are the five people I tag:
A Bad Idea In A Hot Disguise
Kaaos Images

Well, that was fun.