I Wasn't Being Sarcastic

Oh, eventfulness, eventfulness.
I guess it took something that should bring me down to actually set me free.
I should be hurt, broken, depressed.
I should feel betrayed, used.
But I'm happy.
I feel fresh.
Out of a rut.

Thanks for making me hate you.
Honestly, thank you.
That's just what it took for me to see clearly.
Now I know who you are.
Now I know I don't want anything to do with you.

And now I have more room for him.
I love you, Tyler.
And now I know that I can be happy with him.
We will be happy.
I don't need you like I thought I did.

I feel great.
Even though I have a low fever.
Emotionally, I feel good.
Not so much physically.

I need to stop missing school.
Last year, I missed a third of my classes.
I still managed to make honor roll.
But that's irrelevant.
I'm slipping away.
I'm weak, I'm dizzy.
I can't handle it.
I missed all last week.
I missed the whole week two weeks before.
I'm getting nowhere.

My Obsessions

RULES:
•List 5 current obsessions
•Tell us who tagged you
•Tag 5 other people
•Have fun!

Obsession #1 - Hair Extentions!
I can't wait to get them, I hope I do.
My mom says she'll order then for me if I stop picking at my split ends for 3 weeks.
-_-
I don't know if I can do it.

This is a picture I photoshopped (not very well obviously) to see what I would look like with long hair.

Obsession #2 - Autumn!
i'm so happy it's finally here!
I've been waiting all year.
Every time I look outside and see pretty trees or fallen leaves, I instantly smile inside.
I don't want it to end.

Obsession #3 - Hating how I am
I seem to keep writing about it in my poetry.
I want to change.
"So I’m everything I hate
And it’s not hard to see
I’m everything I’d kill you for
If you were ever to be"
This is a few lines in a poem I wrote about an hour ago.


Obsession #4 - Watching shows online
Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model.
It seems so weird for me to be watching these shows.
I'm not exactly girly.
But I somehow enjoy them.

Obsession #5 - My new vampire fangs!
I love them.
I get them about two weeks ago from vampfangs.com.
They are AMAZING.


Katie-Jane tagged me.

These are the five people I tag:
A Bad Idea In A Hot Disguise
BigCityDreamsx
SUGAR
Displacedmind
Kaaos Images

Well, that was fun.

I Failed

Alright, so I havn't written for two days.
Promise broken.
FAIL.
Oh well, I knew it would happen.
Okay new promise:
I write at least three times a week.
Deal?
Yes, deal.
*Shakes own hand*

So, like three days of catching up to do.
Yes, lots has happend.
Hm, let's see..
Thursday.
Thursday I went to school for the first time in a day and a half.
It was alright.
I was stressed about all I had missed.
But I didn't miss that much.
Fast forward.
After school.
I go to the mall with some friends.
Which is weird for me.
Cause I almost never go to the mall.
Our crappy cornwall mall.
And I don't hangout with friends that often.
And there were FOUR.
Anyways, we're at the mall.
And I feel sick and ugly.
So, naturally, I'm just in a crappy mood.
And I miss Tyler.
Then, guess who's there when I get back home?
Tyler.
But the weird thing is, that didn't cheer me up.
I was more sad and confused.
I hate surprises.
1. I didn't understand why his mom gave in and let him come over.
2. If I had known he was coming over before, it would have saved alot of sadness.
3. I didn't know he was gonna be there, so I hadn't shaved in a few days, I had just washed my face and taken off all my makeup, and my hair was ugly and flat and up in a headband.
I like being the prettiest I can be when he first sees me.
I mean, it's not like he hasn't seen me at my worst.
But, I just like when his eyes light up when he sees me.
As if his visual memory of me was reassured.
But whatever, I got over it.
Other than that, most of the evening went pretty suckishly (can I still be considered smart after using that word?).
Conflict, conflict, conflict.
Surprisingly, it wasn't about me this time!
CELEBRATION, HAPPINESS!
Nonetheless, somehow it managed to get the best of me.
Therefore, most of the evening was spent away from Tyler.
He lay on my bed sulking, half-asleep.
As I took the oppurtunity to do my homework.
But it ended, and all is forgiven.
Just like every other time.

Which leads to Friday.
Regular day.
We had the "Terry Fox Run".
Which I'm completely sick of.
Thanks to my elementary school principal.
He was obsessed with the man.
And I'm pretty sure I saw Terry Fox tattooed of his ankle.
Seriously.
I told my mom that he probably thinks of Terry Fox as he bangs his wife.
Anyways, after school I packed to go to my dad's for the weekend.
Yet another surprised occured.
Tyler's mom suggested he come for the ride to my dad's.
The ride's usually about an hour and a half long.
HUGE FIGHT.
Me and Tyler.
All my fault.
Like always.
Except this is the biggest one we had in a while.
It was mainly fueled by jealousy.
Mine of course.
It made me want to die.
Out of self-hate.
Because it made me not want to be with him.
'Cause I can't stand hurting him.
Over and over again.
As the fight came to an end.
It made me realize a few things about myself.
The reason why I hurt him and no one else.
It's like a superhero movie.
You know how Spiderman didn't want to be with Mary-Jane because he knew that would be the villain's first target.
He know's the bad guy wants to hurt him and he can only do so by hurting the ones he loves.
Well, my emotions are the villain.
They want to hurt me.
I want to hurt myself.
So I hurt the ones I love (Tyler).
Which, obviously, brings me pain.
Horrible pain.
And I know it'll never change.
And so does he.
But he still wants to keep me.

Now for today.
The one year anniversary of my grandfather's death.
So my whole dad's side of the family got together and picked apples.
(Something we used to do with my Grandpa Nick).
It was kind of weird.
Being in a place that I only vaguely remember.
I wish I was swarmed with memories of him.
Memories of that place.
But I wasn't.
Is that wrong?
I ate way too many apples.
But I guess it was kind of fun.
And we went to the graveyard.
I love it there.
But I don't get an eerie feeling.
I kind of wanted to though.

Lastly, FALL IS HERE!
I'm so excited.
The leaves changing color.
The cool breeze.
I adore it.
I can't wait for Halloween.
I think I might be a vampire french maid.
But we might be going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
That is, if they're showing it on Halloween night.